I write a lot about marriage. I love every aspect of nurturing and sustaining a healthy marriage. One important aspect is intimacy. And yes, intimacy can be pretty broad as well, but today I am talking about how to get your wife in the mood. I’ve been a little hesitant to write articles about sex, but it is so important and nothing to be ashamed of.
Also read: Ladies, How to Get Yourself in the Mood
The fact of the matter is that generally men can get in the mood pretty easily. For women, it takes a bit more creativity. Luckily, I also wrote a post specifically for women that can help themselves get in the mood. A good husband doesn’t want his wife to just get it over with. He wants her to want it. He wants her to feel as sexy as he thinks she is. He wants her to be in the mood. But how?
I’m sure you’ve heard advice like “doing the dishes is the sexiest thing a man can do,” or “sex starts in the morning.” I believe this is somewhat true, but a careless comment or a thoughtless deed can blow that slow burning candle off in one second. So here are 10 ways to get her in the mood…tonight!
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Plan a good chunk of time.
If you want your wife to really get there, she needs time. And do not give me the excuse of kids. My husband and I have four kids who LOVE to be all up in our business – especially when we need some alone time. But guess what? You don’t need to hide it from them. Now obviously we don’t tell our children exactly what we are doing, but it’s not uncommon for us to tell them that we need some alone time and that we will be in our room for a while. As they get older, they will figure it out, but that’s okay too. Sex should not be taboo. Of course it’s easier after the kids are in bed, so just plan on a good amount of time to woo your wife.
Create the atmosphere.
If your bedroom is a chaotic mess it’s distracting. Your wife will be much more likely to focus on you and getting in the mood if your bedroom is clean. Light some candles or dim the lights. Create a sexy playlist and turn on the tunes. It might seem cheesy, but it makes a world of difference.
Listen.
Ask her about her day and really listen. Don’t try to fix anything. Put the phone away and look her in the eyes. If she’s down, be sympathetic. If she’s happy, be excited for her. Be genuinely interested in the small things that matter.
Touch her, but not like that.
No seriously – not like that! At least not yet. If she’s not aroused, groping her will definitely not get her there. In fact, it will most likely do the exact opposite. So be gentle and loving. Give her a shoulder rub or tickle her back. Casually play with her hair. Hold her hand. These subtle gestures will not go unnoticed.
Tell her she’s amazing.
And try to keep it non-physical. I mean, she wants to feel beautiful, not like a porn-star. What makes her a great mom? A great friend? A great wife? The more specific, the better.
Talk about sex.
This is something you should be doing regularly. I’m amazed at how many couples actually don’t talk about sex. Tell her your expectations and ask her about hers. You should know each other intimately. Also, talk about sex when you want it. Surprises are fun, but sometimes it helps her to plan on it so she can help herself get in the mood mentally.
Ask her what turns her on.
Have you ever done this? The first time my husband asked me, I actually had to stop and think. She may already know, and she may not. It could be anything from how you dress to how you touch her. Or, it could be all mental. Does she have any fantasies? Help her to really dig deep. She should know what turns her on. It helps so much.
Kiss her, passionately.
And not just when you’re ready to hit the bedroom. Kiss her passionately when you get home from work. Kiss her passionately every single day.
Role-play.
Sometimes change can be good. Role-play can be a great way to spice things up. Maybe you can act out her wildest fantasy. And if that’s just too cheesy for either of you, try a mental role-play. You don’t have to act out anything, but just let your mind go crazy.
When you think foreplay is done, it’s not.
Remember, it takes time to get her in the mood. When you feel ready, keep going. When she says she’s ready, keep going. When you both feel ready, keep going. Eventually, she won’t be able to wait any longer.
These tips are not a quick fix for scoring in the bedroom. In fact, if you are sincere about it, they will also make you a better husband. And there’s nothing better than a good husband to get her in the mood.
Bonus: Meet Her 5 Basic Needs
What are your wife’s 5 basic needs? Grab this book and read this blog post to find out!
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22 Responses
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I was told tonight that she was waiting for me to make a move on her, but all week she has been in a great mood during the day then as i cook dinner, wash the dishes , and put our son to bed she comes up with some reason the she is upset or depressed about and it just kills my drive. I have been verbally berated so many times for trying to make a move with her that i am terrified to try unless i can tell she might be open to it. Even then the response is ok we have 5 minutes till my next show starts make it quick. Well it has been a month since the last time so it probably won’t be that long. It is very hard to be good at anything that you do 10 to 12 times a year. It is depressing that i never had se x with any one else and waited for marriage with my wife and our whole marriage has had very little sex. I had to take care of myself on our honeymoon as she was not in the mood or to tired. I wish i could say i just don’t feel like doing all the stuff she constantly wants me to do. I don’t expect anything from her but she expects everything from me. All of my dreams get vetoed or put on hold so she gets what she wants.
Dude, Just stop! You are doing all these things hoping that she is going to feel better about you and herself. Right? That is not how it works.
She is looking at you like you are just there to take care of her. You need to put some boundaries in place, NOW. First, if she verbally berates you or even talks down to you, just walk away and be unavailable or stop her in her tracks. Tell her you will not tolerate or engage in that behavior any longer. She can talk with you calmly and maturely or be left to talk to herself. I know better than to try that BS with my husband, he told me so only a few weeks after we started dating. We have never had a fight during our 13 years together because he will LISTEN to what I have to say and respect my opinion. He may not agree with me and do something totally different, but he listened as said above.
NEVER, EVER plead, beg or cry for sex, it makes you look like less of a man and less desirable.
Under the category of touch her, there is the hug from behind. Walk up behind her when she is not doing something that she has her arms full or is frustrated with and wrap an arm around her, kiss the back of her neck a couple of times, maybe say I love you and just WALK away and do something else. This is not a time or even a day to beg, ask for or even initiate sex. It lets her know you are thinking of her and forces her brain to think about you.
There is so much more you can do, but you need to are not a pushover and someone to be desired. Right now you are showing her that you need her more than she needs you.
Cece Owens, Author
The comment in these sections sound like this:
Hi interesting article but I feel entitled to sex and doing the bare minimum to create a safe space where my partner feels comfortable, especially during this political climate where every other day she is likely to hear about or read about a new rape or assault story from another woman saying #metoo, it’s too much! I should just GET sex from my wife. It’s her duty. “
I would add something to this list: make sure your relationship is on track. Make sure you aren’t perpetuating demeaning beliefs about what your wife should be providing to you. Consider that women are in a crazy time right now learning their own boundaries and reconciling years of low key sexual assault or actual sexual trauma and that sometimes engaging sexually is too much right now. Make sure you are taking appropriate measures to be a better man and take responsibility for the ways that you are triggering her in and out of the bedroom. Then maybe you get to do these above things and then maybe you get to have swx. But your wife owes you absolutely nothing.
This is really helping I like this ,as a man am learning a lot there are things I didn’t know that I have just find out thanks a lot team
Well I think it is both husband and wife duty to bring each other to the mood, being a husband I just can’t continue to try my best every time to bring her to the mood , husbands would feel loved and needed if their wife would start it…..my wife rarely starts it. Partners should not reject each other…its painful
Agree… I need love, attention and sensuality from my wife to get me also in the mood as we all have moods. If my wife or girl i’ve been with not into enjoy making me also feel good then it turns me off..
You might find this helpful: http://beckysquire.com/2019/02/06/ladies-how-to-get-yourself-in-the-mood/
I agree with u it is painful and it messes with ur head when rejected by the one person who’s supposed to love and never hurt u or mentally screw with ur head u start to get self conscious and think there’s something wrong with u ur spouse should never make u feel like that and no one should have to beg for attention and affection and it shouldn’t be one sided at all a man shouldn’t do all the work that gets boring im sure and a man wants to be physically wanted by his women too a man works his ass off all day why the hell would he want to come home to his wife and do more work and then get rejected after trying to get her in the mood his wife should be down on her knees ready to go soon as he walks thru the door couples stop appreciating each other after being together so long I guess and some women get cold and distance after having children for some reason there legs just lock at the knees after having kids and being married for so long I don’t get it why be miserable they can’t be happy not having intimacy I’d go freaking crazy it’s easier to talk to each other and find out the real reason they don’t want to anymore instead of walking on eggshells and being rejected time and again ppl waste yrs of there lives going on like this till they break and give in to temptation from someone else that’s willing I don’t get it my husband works hard provides for his family and never complains about it so u bet ur ass I wait on him hand and foot and I never turn him down normally I’m the one jumping on him lol women can’t understand why there husband’s cheat and want to blame the other women for it when in reality they did it to them selves they pushed there man to that point my advise if u have a good husband and father to ur kids u better take care of him and make sure he knows he’s loved and wanted and appreciated and u better open them legs on the regular and that mouth lol don’t be a prude take care of ur man cause if u don’t there’s most definitely another women that’s just waiting to step in and that’s the gods honest truth life’s too short to be miserable
You might find this helpful: http://beckysquire.com/2019/02/06/ladies-how-to-get-yourself-in-the-mood/
It really gets boring when I have to be the initiator every time. It is supposed to be a mutual thing! Not just a husband’s role. She can equally surprise me too!
There is literally website after website, blog post after blog post about this. And it’s all the same. It always falls back on the guy to get her in the mood. Do the dishes, do this, do that, and then…. rejected again. Sorry, I’m done being the one to try and earn sex. If a bull isn’t finding something he likes in one pasture he moves on to the next.
Dang, it seems like we may be married to identical twin sisters my friend. I know exactly what you are talking about. I feel like I’m put on the spot each and every time trying to get her, “In the mood” and it seems like I’m being graded or evaluated on every thing I do. Then, when all she does is lay there it’s like, “Hey! You want to join me in this thing here I’m supposedly trying to get you in the mood for”? I need a little bit of help here and it’s not like I can, poll the audience or phone a friend or use a lifeline. I need your participation in this with me. The last time this was happening I just stopped! Stopped everything, got up and started watching television. She was like, what’s wrong with you? I told her that when she felt like she was ready to have sex to let me know. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be ignored anymore like she was doing me. I’ll do without before I have to work for sex from my own wife. And that if having sex with me was a problem or the problem then she needed to let me know so we could talk about it, see a counselor about it or take other measures.
You might find this helpful: http://beckysquire.com/2019/02/06/ladies-how-to-get-yourself-in-the-mood/
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side just saying my husband was married when I met him and he was miserable after two weeks of being together he moved in with me and got a divorce we’ve been married 10 yrs together for 13 we have a ten yr old son and a daughter on the way why waste yrs of ur life not being happy especially if ur not getting what u need life’s too short
You might find this helpful: http://beckysquire.com/2019/02/06/ladies-how-to-get-yourself-in-the-mood/
That’s not true about married women I’ve been married for ten yrs and I can’t get enough of my husband its normally me that’s disappointed and sexually frustrated but I have a very high sex drive and want it everyday two three times a day i love my husband so much and im insanely attracted to him after 13 yrs together and two kids we still drive eachother crazy and get each other excited and so turned on I think it’s more about the connection you have with your partner and how open you are with each other that makes both of you want it all the time and it also makes sex together that much better and so intense my husband loves how much i want him and want to feel close to him he even feels bad when he cant keep up with me lol there are days he can live up to my expectations other days he only has one in him lol but I can’t complain there are alot of husbands and wife’s that don’t and haven’t had sex in yrs and are miserable because of it it works both ways a man wants to feel wanted and loved just like a woman does both want to be craved and yearned for when u have that along with the connection and bond and attraction for eachother there should be no need to put her or him in the mood my husband doesn’t even have to touch me he can just look at me or I’ll think of him and I’m unbelievably turned on and nsoot to get graphic lol but there’s never an issue with me ever being dry I’m more than ready to jump on top of him even aftertwo kids so I just think alot of things and factors have alot to do with sex its not all the guys job the woman should want him just as bad or what’s the point of being together sex is important how we feel close to each other so if u can’t do that with the person you love and chose to spend your life with then somethings very wrong life is way to short to ever feel unwanted to be deprived of physivcal touch and intimacy and not get what you need from your partner that’s no way to live and its the number one reason husband’s and wives cheat after so long of being sexually frustrated it does not take much for a spouse to step out and betray their partner especially when someone else is showing them the attention and affection that they’ve been deprived for so long it really just takes someone showing an interests in you and making you feel wanted that’s why i just can’t understand why people get so upset when there spouse cheats on them what did they expect to happen you can only push someone so far before they break we all have needs and we all need to be wanted and loved if your not both equally giving to eachother its not going to end well one person fighting to love and get loved back will only fight for so long till they give up on u and when they stop trying and fighting for your love that’s when you should be worried normally when they’ve found someone else ..
I wish my wife had more of that in her. What hurts me the most is her lack of caring. She does not need it, but I do. If I wasn’t a Christian I would have left about 15 years ago. She says sex can be painful, but does not go to the doctor. The have a shot called the “O” shot which helps women achieve orgasm easily, but she is not interested. I love her, but the lack of sex is killing me. I feel like it is my punishment for being sexually active for years before marriage. Maybe God has a reason for this period in our life….no, I know he does, but I just don’t understand it yet.
LOLOLOL> If there was an “”O” shot to fix this problem I would have gotten it years ago!! Trust me, I have asked my doctor, and there is no magic solution. I can’t help but wonder…doing the dishes is not a ticket to get her in the mood. What have you done over the last seven days to let her know you love her? Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? Figure out what makes her feel loved, and do that for a month before you even consider expecting her to respond. The command to men in the Bible is for them to “love your wives” (Eph 5:25), and with good reason: that’s what we need, and that’s not what comes naturally to you. Women need a lot of warming up. Not just the day you want sex, but all the time. We need to know that we are important, special, loved. That’s what we respond to, and that’s why all the articles say that men need to get women in the mood. But if you think one night of dishes means she is in the mood, well… Try focusing on loving her without any expectations, and see if she responds to that. After 15 years, it may take awhile, so be patient. There is always hope. Pray God shows you what she needs, and focus on listening for His answer. If she’s still with you, she must love you, and deep down, I can’t help but believe, she wants to connect with you. Maybe read some romance novels. Women like them because they speak to our deepest desires, and it could help you to see what she needs. But don’t give up. Men want sex, but women want emotional connection. How hard have you tried to emotionally connect?
Works if your wife wants to have sex. Problem is, most don’t. Sorry. I wish everyone would stop pretending like the guy needs to do everything right to “get her in the mood.” Maybe the blame should fall on her shoulders for being so damned cold. Full disclosure: I’m frustrated but fully, objectively aware that I’ve done all I can and she’s just not receptive. Sucks to suck I guess.
Great advice but also sounds like a lot of work.