Once upon a time, I wrote an article to men about how to get their wife in the mood. While I do think that every one of those tips are very helpful, I have found that it is ultimately up to us women to get ourselves in the mood.
Cultivating desire is much less physical for us than it is for our husbands. There is no single act that will magically put us in the mood to have sex. However, applying these tips will not only help you get in the mood, but will surely serve you and your desire.
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Sense of self.
Our sense of self determines a lot of our sexuality – our mood, our desire, and so much more. How do you view your sexuality? Is it something that belongs to your husband or to yourself? If you ever think that you owe your husband sex, you are wrong. But it can become something you enjoy sharing with him.
Women are anatomically more sexual.
The idea that men are more sexual than women is a myth. What may be true is that it is generally easier for men to orgasm than it is for women, especially in how the world views sex. However, women have more sexual capacity than men. But guys: intercourse isn’t the most successful way to pleasure for most women. Time to think outside the box.
What do you desire?
Time for a mini homework session. Write down your sexual desires. Do you know what they are? If not, I encourage you to give it some real thought. You can’t expect your husband to know your desires if you can’t even name them yourself. Make sure your desires are coming from a place of strength, not emptiness.
Become an equal.
If you want a sexual relationship worth having, you need to function like an equal. Your sexual desires are just as important as your husband’s, so start giving value to them. The happiest couples have a strong belonging to themselves.
Build the tension.
If you just can’t get yourself in the mood, one of my favorite tricks is to cultivate tension. When you would normally move on or finish, hold off for a moment (or two or three). Enjoy the tension and allow your desire to build for as long as you possibly can.
Enough with the martyr mentality.
As women, we tend to be great at taking care of everyone else before ourselves. This can be a great quality, but not always. When you give all day long, you don’t have the energy for anything else. If you don’t live a life you respect, you’ll suck the life out of everyone around you – which is selfish in the name of selflessness.
Too touched out? Sex can help.
This is probably the most common excuse I hear from women. I have said it myself many times. As mothers we often feel overly stimulated. Children touch and grab and hang on us all day long. There is only so much depletion we can handle, right? Instead of thinking of sex as another way you are being touched out, think of it as a way for your spouse to take care of you. Ask him to do or not do certain things that will help fill your bucket so you can be a better wife and mother the next day.
Sexy Mama.
Just because you’re a mother does not mean you are not sexual. Motherhood and sexuality can co-exist. Stop cringing. If you think you lose your sexuality when you become a mother, you’re mistaken. So take back those mom-jeans and put the diaper bag away for the night. Self-respect is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Stop keeping score.
Marriage is not a game, and there is no score. If you are keeping track of how many chores you’ve done versus your husband, or when the last time he put the kids to bed was, you will never be happy. Give because you love him, not because he earned it.
Choose your spouse everyday.
I know it’s cliché, but it’s true. Love is a choice. Your feelings, your mood, your desire – all come from your thoughts. What will you choose today?
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