I have been writing a lot more about sex and intimacy lately and as a result I get asked a lot of questions. Many of them relate to what is and isn’t okay concerning sex. This is a subjective and complicated question to answer, and so I decided to devote an article all about it.
“Is oral sex okay?”
“Is it wrong to use toys?”
“Is it fine to role play?”
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If you have had questions similar to these, you are not alone. Sex and intimacy are vital parts of a happy and healthy marriage. God wants you to experience this amazing pleasure with each other. His standards are not to limit your enjoyment, but to heighten it. There is much freedom that intimacy includes within marriage.
In the scriptures we know that there are things that God clearly says no to. Some of these include adultery, fornication, and immorality. But it’s not quite as clear about what is allowed. Let me stress the importance of bringing your unique situations and questions to the Lord. It is personal and will be different for every couple. But here are some open ended questions that you and your spouse can consider that will guide you in the right direction.
Is it beneficial for our marriage?
If it will bring both you and your spouse pleasure of any kind, it can greatly benefit your marriage. It doesn’t have to be “vanilla” to be good.
Is it consensual?
You and your spouse should both be in agreement on what you want to do. Don’t project your wants or try to persuade them. Find common ground in a loving way.
Can it be habit-forming or addictive?
There are many things that can become habit-forming or addictive when it comes to sex. But interestingly, those things don’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t do them. Just be aware if you start to become dependent on it and seek help.
Is it safe?
Nothing should put you or your spouse in danger – of any kind.
Does it help you connect with your spouse?
One major purpose of sex and intimacy is to bring you and your spouse closer together. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Start those vulnerable conversations. Really work on the intimate part of your relationship.
Does it bring someone else into the equation?
This can include a number of different things from pornography to fantasizing about someone else. If it somehow includes a third party, it does not belong in your marriage.
Is it constructive? Does it build our marriage?
Sex and intimacy should always build and improve our relationship with our spouse. It can be very powerful if we use it in the right way.
Does it show love towards my spouse or is it selfish?
It’s okay to enjoy the pleasure that comes with sex. Ask for things that feel good to you. Know your own body, but also know what your spouse likes. Enjoy it all in a loving and unselfish way.
Sex isn’t just for procreation – it’s a way that we enjoy the bodies that God created for us. And that can allow us the freedom to explore a variety of sexual activity. Honest communication and prayerful discernment will lead to an appropriate understanding. Think of sex as a gift that God has given, not taken.
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3 Responses
This is really well written! I agree that the most important thing is to be safe and for sex to be consensual . I am by no means a “good Christian” and I don’t go to church but I believe in God and I believe we will all be judged by Him one day.
I lost my virginity at an early age, and I don’t regret it. I learned a lot about love, and if anything it gave me more experience. The man I’m with now says he’s glad I’ve had the experience of being with someone else so he doesn’t have to deal with a virgin. I’ve been with a virgin guy in the past (not my current partner) and it was my worst sexual experience. He became overly clingy and the sex itself wasn’t good. I realized that I wasn’t attracted to him after all – and I had been dating this guy for 7 years, mind you. He was also a Christian. I broke it off, and I’m glad that I had sex with him before I agreed to marry him, which we were planning on after we had graduated from school. I saved myself from marrying a man who I wouldn’t be sexually happy with if I had followed God’s rules. This experience is why I believe it’s imperative to have sex before marriage.
I’m relieved my current sexual partner wasn’t a virgin and I think it’s important that young Christian adults know that’s okay.
I love God, but sex doesn’t have to be within the confines of marriage like He says. It only has to be between two adults in love with each other and willing to make a commitment to one another – being married has nothing to do with it.
This is one big reason why I don’t go to church anymore. There’s so much shame that goes into sex even for married couples. Understandably, consent and communication is key, but if both parties are agreeing to something without being pressured, there should be no judgement or anything “off limits” that would hurt your faith. This is so judgmental and a grab at best for Christian sex.. what even is that?
This is so good Becky. I appreciate the openness but also the discretion used. I hear so often that so many struggle becuase sex is just for procreation and that really surprises me. Thanks for tackling a tricky subject in a respectful way.