If you have been married for longer than your honeymoon, you have probably experienced the shocking fact that you and your spouse are very different people. Hopefully you are united in really important matters, but you probably don’t agree on every little thing. And that’s OK.
When my husband and I were newlyweds, I expected him to take me on a date every weekend. And I wasn’t talking about creative at-home dates. I wanted him to take me out. After all, it’s what I saw my parents do every single Friday night. I thought that’s what couples were supposed to do. My husband had other ideas. Not my ideas. How dare he. Neither of us were right, just different.
This is a very simple example and one that can easily find some kind of compromise. But I know there are many situations that aren’t quite so easy; that can even put strain on your marriage. Let me suggest that you start with the following formula:
In essentials there must be unity. In non-essentials there must be liberty. In all things there must be charity.
If there is an issue that you and your spouse just can’t agree on, ask yourselves if it is essential or non-essential. It will be subjective and may be completely different for another couple. It may even be different for your spouse. In that case, remember that even if you are not united in essential things, charity must come first.
In Philippians 2:4 Paul says, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” Are you as concerned about responding to your spouse’s interests as you are with how your interests can be served? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see your spouse change and grow, but think about the reasons behind your desire for them to change.
I can think of two basic reasons we want our spouse to change. First, you want them to replicate your actions. Second, you want your spouse to meet your needs. Which one applies to you?
It’s important to remember that you simply cannot change your spouse. If this concept is new to you, please listen to this podcast episode about dealing with difficult family members. It can certainly apply to a marriage. So, what can you change? Only yourself. And more specifically, your thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, “why doesn’t my husband take me out to dinner every week?” I could change my thoughts to, “Isn’t it great that he wants to save money and be responsible? He cares about our future!” Our thoughts truly control our emotions.
Being on the same page as your spouse requires a marriage built on respect and love for one another. It requires you to know your priorities and keep them in order. Is the issue that’s driving a wedge in your relationship more important to you than the commitment you made to love your spouse?
In essentials there must be unity. In non-essentials there must be liberty. In all things there must be charity.
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One Response
This is what Brad and I have tried to build all these years ❤️ One of my favorite quotes from President Hinckley says, “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one’s companion” ❤️