Most research suggests that some of the main causes of divorce are matters related to sex. While there are a variety of issues that fall under that umbrella, the question I get asked most is how to talk to your spouse about sex.
Sex can be a tough subject to talk about, especially with your spouse. It requires complete vulnerability and honesty. And many couples simply don’t know how to even start this immensely important conversation.
You might also like: 10 Ways to Get Your Wife in the Mood Tonight
Ladies: How to Get Yourself in the Mood
Wait for the right time.
Don’t blindside your spouse. If there are issues that need to be addressed, tell them that you’d like to talk about it and set up a time that will be free of distractions. Many couples don’t even know where to begin. Simply telling your spouse that you would like to talk about it sometime is a great start.
Establish the higher-desire and lower-desire partner.
Every relationship has a high-desire and a low-desire partner. And being the low-desire partner does not necessarily mean that you don’t desire sex at all. Establishing the role you and your spouse are will open up avenues of understanding that were never there before. Remember these roles can change throughout your lives, so keep this conversation on-going.
Stick with one subject per conversation.
There may be a variety of issues that need to be tackled when talking about intimacy with your spouse. These might include frequency, desires, fantasies, who should initiate, positions – just to name a few. Plan to only include one subject per conversation. Emotions can escalate and certain topics may trigger, so keep it as simple as possible.
Share concerns, not complaints.
Begin with the goal to feel closer and connected with your spouse. Share your feelings, but avoid blaming. Staying positive will be more constructive and beneficial to the conversation, as well as to your relationship.
Discuss expectations.
Talk with each other about your expectations as well as your fears, desires, and concerns. Be honest. It is critical to talk about your deepest feelings. Give your spouse permission to say something that they are afraid to say. Help them feel safe and assure them you’ll hear them out with an open heart.
Ask open-ended questions.
A good conversation needs dialogue, not just a series of yes or no questions. Help your spouse open up about the issues you’re discussing by asking open-ended questions, like “Can you describe that for me?” or “What do you mean by…?”
Focus on the future, not the past.
Share with your spouse what you are hoping for long-term. What do you want your sex-life to look like in one year…five…ten. Whatever did or didn’t happen in the past is in the past. Couples who focus on blame are too wrapped up in looking backwards. If you can keep your focus on understanding each other and being understood yourself, you can keep the focus forward on the future.
If you are not having this conversation with your spouse regularly, it’s time to start. It’s important to tackle this sensitive subject together. Communication is sorely needed in our homes, and especially in the bedroom. This is a big step to making your marriage the best that it can be.
Learn how to create Authentic Intimacy in your marriage. Take my e-course – Marriage, Motherhood, & Me: Putting the Pieces Together
For more ideas and practical tips to strengthen your marriage, check out my e-course: Marriage, Motherhood, & Me: Putting the Pieces Together
